The First Obstacle to Happiness: Giving Ourselves Permission

I was sitting in my backyard a few days ago, half playing with Sophie Sunshine, half appreciating the literal sunshine, when I made a major mistake. I picked up my phone and looked at the news. 

Whoosh, happiness implosion.

Five minutes spent looking at the latest from Washington, the newest wildfires, the ongoing wars, and the genuine contentment I’d been feeling was replaced by guilt. It’s that strange, persistent voice asking, “How dare you feel happy when there is so much suffering happening around you?” 

Maybe you’ve felt it too. That nagging sensation that your personal happiness is somehow inappropriate, indulgent, or even morally questionable when set against the backdrop of global misery and despair. 

This feeling is the first and perhaps most insidious obstacle to happiness: it’s the belief that we need to earn the right to be happy. Instead of viewing our happiness as a state that might enable us to be of greater service to the world, we view it as a reward that we only deserve to have if everything is perfect. 

Big mistake. 

Here’s a question to ask yourself when this guilt overwhelms you: how does your despair serve you? How does it serve your family and friends? How does it serve your community? How does it serve the world? 

The answer is pretty obvious: it doesn’t. (Unless you can turn despair into action, that is, which is something most of us find very difficult to do.) 

On the other hand, how does your happiness serve you? Your family and friends? Your community? 

Research consistently shows that happy people are more likely to volunteer, donate to charity, and engage in prosocial behaviors. Happiness doesn’t just feel good—it motivates us to do good. Furthermore, happiness is contagious out to the third degree of separation. Your happiness helps other people be happier. 

Barbara Fredrickson’s “broaden-and-build” theory shows that positive emotions broaden our perspective and build our capacity for action. Rather than narrowing our focus (as negative emotions tend to do), happiness expands our awareness and helps us see more possibilities for creating change.

And yet, we still feel that guilt. Or at least I do, and I suspect you do, too. 

Part of the problem lies in how we conceptualize happiness. We often confuse it with blind positivity or toxic optimism—pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. But authentic happiness isn’t about ignoring reality or disengaging from the world’s problems. It’s about cultivating the emotional resilience and inner resources needed to engage with those problems effectively.

So overcoming the first obstacle to choosing happiness may be as simple as giving yourself permission to be happy.

Literally, saying to yourself when the despair is looming: “I give myself permission to experience happiness, even in a world filled with suffering. My joy does not diminish others’ pain; it fuels my ability to help.”

That doesn’t mean turning a blind eye to the world or pretending that problems don’t exist. But making the small choices — to savor your coffee while watching the clouds instead of doom-scrolling, to play with your dog instead of having a pristine house, to read a book instead of looking at social media — that lead to happiness is not selfish. 

The world needs more people who have found their way to authentic joy, not in denial of suffering but in service to the belief that things can be better. And that journey begins with giving ourselves permission to be happy, even when—especially when—the world seems to be telling us we shouldn’t be.

Can you make a small choice today to give yourself that permission?